Lately has been one of those times where I’ve felt really distant from God. It’s a really dreadful cycle, I’m close to God and spending a lot of time with Him, then I spend less and less time with Him and grow distant and start to become slightly enamoured with the world around me, and I want to get back on track with Him but I know the way to do that is to spend more time with Him but something in me doesn’t want to because that takes effort…it’s like battling myself. And I know that more than I could ever want to live a life of this world, as appealing as it sounds, I want even more to live a life submitted to God, because it is only then that I will truly find fulfillment. Darn the human spirit.
I’m still struggling over what to do next year. My two main options I’m considering at the moment are International Studies and Speech Pathology. Completely different, I know, but really I just don’t know what God wants me to do, and it’s a little frustrating at times. But at the same time I know I have to trust in Him, otherwise things will go awry.
On the note of frustration, I’m entirely fed up with the education system. I used to love school, now I really don’t purely because of the pressure it puts on a young life, and the focus of the whole system. I believe that God created us with a natural curiosity and thirst for learning that is to be cultivated our whole lives, but school gradually makes it about studying and marks and everything it’s NOT meant to be. Everyone says that this whole year is focused on the HSC, and what is it you get out of the HSC? An ATAR, which is not even a mark, but a ranking. It’s a competition. Since when did learning become constant studying and boredom and pressure and unhappiness just to get a mark which isn’t even a mark but your place in the competition of every school student in the state? No wonder so many young people reach the end of high school and don’t want to go on to further study, because they are SICK of study. It’s not learning the way God designed it, and it really does push a whole lot of importance out of life. I’ve always been interested in homeschooling my kids when I’m older and this current resentment is pulling me more into wanting to do that. I don’t ever want them to dislike learning, or be restricted to competitive education. It’s a beautiful day today and I could be outside enjoying the sunshine, spending quality time with people, doing things I enjoy, taking part in ministry, any number of things but instead I’m inside looking at my large pile of studying, of which the result is one ranking number. I know that God wants me to do my best in whatever situations He places me in, and I know that at this moment that is in Year 12 at school doing the HSC. But golly it’s hard to be motivated and do my best when I feel like it’s entirely and competely not what He wanted for us.
This is making it incredibly hard for me right now, I’m a terrible procrastinator and I’m meant fo be studying all throughout these holidays – see, again, exams and marks taking over – but I haven’t, I’m just tired of school and studying and I should be writing an Extension History essay right this second but it’s so hard to make myself do it. Hence venting my irritation.
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”
1 Corinthians 10:31
Lord help me.